A Year Later ... After the Ordeal with Rosella's Pregnancy
So we are going to get a bit personal here, so please don't judge, it is hard enough for me to write it but sharing it will be even harder. I ask not for your pity or anything, you do not need to say anything to me about this post, just know this is how I feel.
Rosella is just over 10 months old. It has been a struggle for me here and there with everything that I went to. Being a strong headed person, I never reached out for help. Always told myself it would get better. Has to get better. Have to be strong and healthy and ok for my family. Well was a dead wrong. Not addressing these issues I have been having, it has taken a huge toll on me.
So I finally reached out to Rosella's developmental therapist and told her that I think I need some help. I write this feeling like I should not be but mental health is VERY IMPORTANT. And If yo have doubts, always get help. I am pretty sure I have some form of PTSD from the whole pregnancy, birth and NICU experience but I am not a doctor so...
Over the past few months, or well like 2 months as it drew closer to when everything went on a downward spiral, it has been getting harder for me. I sometimes don't want to eat, I want to sleep all the time, I stopped caring about certain things, pretend I am happy and fine, have no motivation to do anything even though I really do want too.... I randomly cry at things anywhere, I get anxiety when I have to drive near the hospital, even worse when I have to go there. The scars on my arms, the beeping noises that sound like a hospital, posts on social media from non-NICU people, all the memories come pouring into my head.
I know I should have addressed this long ago when I first started having these breakdowns and meltdowns, but what can I say, better late than never right? I am afraid of what they will say, what they will tell me is wrong, if they tell me I need medication.
And also knowing that while I may have been laid up in a hospital being catered to, my husband became a single father for that time. He did not really like to visit me because he hated the fact there was nothing he could do. Ya I played on my computer and watched the tele every day, slept in late, did not have to cook or clean, knowing that my husband and son were home, living life without me was super hard. Even when we talk about it to this day, we cannot get much out before we are in tears from the emotional stress and worry this caused us. Not to say that Rosella was not worth it because she so totally was, it was just a long road to get there. She is an absolute blessing and miracle sent from God.
And now it has been almost 2 months since I originally typed this up. Today is my third therapy session and learning about coping with everything. The past month I have gotten back into writing even though it’s 30 minutes during my lunch break. But it is a start. I want to get back to learning ASL and French. Looking back, I have done things I find enjoyable like I joined a testing group so I get free if not almost free products so that is fun since it’s like shopping and I’m addicted to it! Also finally dyed my hair after a few years of debating if I really wanted to or not.
Insect Lore World of Eric Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Butterfly Growing Kit with Live Caterpillars
Rosella is just over 10 months old. It has been a struggle for me here and there with everything that I went to. Being a strong headed person, I never reached out for help. Always told myself it would get better. Has to get better. Have to be strong and healthy and ok for my family. Well was a dead wrong. Not addressing these issues I have been having, it has taken a huge toll on me.
So I finally reached out to Rosella's developmental therapist and told her that I think I need some help. I write this feeling like I should not be but mental health is VERY IMPORTANT. And If yo have doubts, always get help. I am pretty sure I have some form of PTSD from the whole pregnancy, birth and NICU experience but I am not a doctor so...
Over the past few months, or well like 2 months as it drew closer to when everything went on a downward spiral, it has been getting harder for me. I sometimes don't want to eat, I want to sleep all the time, I stopped caring about certain things, pretend I am happy and fine, have no motivation to do anything even though I really do want too.... I randomly cry at things anywhere, I get anxiety when I have to drive near the hospital, even worse when I have to go there. The scars on my arms, the beeping noises that sound like a hospital, posts on social media from non-NICU people, all the memories come pouring into my head.
I know I should have addressed this long ago when I first started having these breakdowns and meltdowns, but what can I say, better late than never right? I am afraid of what they will say, what they will tell me is wrong, if they tell me I need medication.
And also knowing that while I may have been laid up in a hospital being catered to, my husband became a single father for that time. He did not really like to visit me because he hated the fact there was nothing he could do. Ya I played on my computer and watched the tele every day, slept in late, did not have to cook or clean, knowing that my husband and son were home, living life without me was super hard. Even when we talk about it to this day, we cannot get much out before we are in tears from the emotional stress and worry this caused us. Not to say that Rosella was not worth it because she so totally was, it was just a long road to get there. She is an absolute blessing and miracle sent from God.
And now it has been almost 2 months since I originally typed this up. Today is my third therapy session and learning about coping with everything. The past month I have gotten back into writing even though it’s 30 minutes during my lunch break. But it is a start. I want to get back to learning ASL and French. Looking back, I have done things I find enjoyable like I joined a testing group so I get free if not almost free products so that is fun since it’s like shopping and I’m addicted to it! Also finally dyed my hair after a few years of debating if I really wanted to or not.
Insect Lore World of Eric Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Butterfly Growing Kit with Live Caterpillars
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